More sharing: Depression, Thryroid and PMDD

This is actually a hard one to write. This is a hard thing to throw out there. To tell people that you have issues with mental illness, especially one that has a lot to do with being female. It is easier to just say that I have thyroid problems. As far as society has come, it still doesn't like to cope with it.

I can get people to talk for hours when I have mentioned my physical ailments, but they shrink away for the most part when I acknowledge the mental symptoms that for me are partners in crime. But here it is. My story. One that will be extremely important that I document and share with my daughters. Because it is hereditary. And another reason I should share with my family and friends.

So here is the scoop (TMI warning--I talk about menses): I was diagnosed hypo-thyroid I don't remember when, a long time ago--I was told that it was not a big deal, just take the pill everyday, no biggie--which is a big fat lie. I have known that I have struggled with depression since I was in junior high. I have sought treatment for both before. My cycles have always been rough, but I assumed they were normal (Not!) so no help there.

But in the fall of 2010 I was getting really bad. Crazy. In pain. Not good.

At that time I was struggling with severe pain in relationship to my cycles. I could feel the MOMENT an egg was released. I would be doubled over in pain, could barely walk from the pain that radiated to my back and down my legs. From the migraines that were sure to follow. I would be incredibly fatigued. And the depression, anger, guilt, shame, disappearing confidence and more would escalate. I could literally feel a complete fog lower over my eyes, clouding my sight, thinking, and reasoning. And you can guess how much patience I would have in that state.

And then two weeks later I would bleed and I would be okay. I would be me. Fog and pain gone. The change would be incredible. Until the next ovulation. It had always been this way (of course it was worse because we would find ovarian cysts--which I am now learning from my own research can be related to wrong thyroid levels) but pms had always been extreme for me and had always lasted a week or more. It was just becoming more and more pronounced. And again, I thought all of those jokes about pms made it normal.

In addition I had been struggling to control my hypothyroidism since Tanner was born. I have been searching for a doctor who would LISTEN. Who would actually check my levels. Who would CARE.

So I tried my fourth doctor in 3 years. I mentioned the pain, the fog, all of the other symptoms. and for once, thank him and thank God, he listened. He immediately wanted a full run of tests on my thyroid...which made me want to cry right there. And then he gave me the PMDD-premenstrual dysphoric disorder--diagnosis. I had no idea what it was. Never heard of it. But I listened, agreed to wait to add any medication (love that he wanted that), and agreed to track my symptoms. And we did an ultrasound that found the ovarian cysts. I think he knew all of the links, but just didn't share them with me right away, but as I read more about both diseases I have found just how linked the two are.

I went home and did a lot of research on the PMDD. I found a couple of wonderful websites. One had testimonials and a tracking sheet. When Jeff and I read what other women had written we cried. It was me. I cried because I saw myself in their pain. And he finally understood. Jeff had always recognized the storm better than I did, but he never got it. Now he did. I did the tracking, and it was insanely obvious how correct my doctor was. (See below for more info and websites on PMDD.)

So not only were thyroid hormones way off --which can cause depression, fog, fatigue, weight gain, headaches, coldness (have you ever touched me?),recurring infections, peeling nails and a whole host of other crazy things as well. The cysts were throwing off those hormones. Who knows what other systems were off. And the PMDD went through the roof.

It took us, Dr. Shah and I, until the summer of 2011, almost 9 months, before we would get me leveled to somewhat normalcy. During that time my two weeks on two weeks off were a total roller coaster. The first would be somewhat fine. Hard, but I could keep up with it. Then the next two, who knew. There was a good chance that I could be crying, hysterical, raging, suicidal, or at least convinced that I needed to be institutionalized to keep my family, my dear husband and sweet children safe. To protect the friends around me. I was not rational. I could not deal with the smallest of issues, I would turn mole hills into mountains. But now I am WAY better. Now that I know the relationship between PMDD, hypo-thyroidism, and me I am watching my physical and mental state much closer and taking care of it all.

Even now I go every 3 months to get my thyroid blood levels checked. Tanner is on a first name basis with those nurses. I check in with Dr. Shah regularly. I am on a birth control pill (Yaz) that stops ovulation and uses differnt hormones than most brands to specifically help PMDD and which keeps the cysts in check. I know that exercise helps. I know that sleep and quiet time help. I know that art time helps. And then I can enjoy my family and friends the rest of the time. I can handle all of the little and big things that come up.

Here's the thing about hypo-thyroidism and PMDD though. It is still there. It has ALWAYS been there, and is going to be. I can look back at periods in my life and pinpoint it. I always thought my depression was more in response to where we lived and things that happened, what I did, how I handled it. And in some ways it was. But if you were lucky enough to be around me when I was either on the right thyroid/birth control cocktail (first two years of college, Michigan first two years) or when I was prego with the girls or nursing--lucky you. You got the easy times. Now others: high school, last two years of college and then the next three, including our first year of marriage in Iowa, when we lived in Indianapolis, pregnancy with Tanner with no thyroid help and then 2009 on after I quit nursing--I apologize that you saw it firsthand. I look back at the crazy cycle I was on. My reactions, and others reactions to me make a lot more sense now. But at the same time, some people when I have told them they don't see it at all. The theater gene I got from my mom helped me hide some of it maybe. Helped hold it in, just to release it at home. Bless my dear husband that he always stood by me.

PMDD is not an excuse for me. I do understand that I am one of those unique individuals that does not blend in in a crowd with or without the craziness. It does not excuse bad behavior. But like I said earlier, that diagnosis helps me take care of myself, plan my time, and makes me more aware in a very good, healthy way. Knowing keeps me from letting the spiral get out of control. It helps us understand that in a few days it will all be good again. It helps explain why two weeks are good, two weeks are not. And that is huge.

I do have to admit, I like having good meds. :)

***I have been reading even more about thyroid issues lately. PLEASE make sure that your doctors include a check for this in your yearly exams. PLEASE take matters into your own hands and research, find the right doctor, and LISTEN to your body. The medical community is not always right. "Rules" and correct "levels" are NOT the same for everyone. The more I read how much the thyroid and other hormones can be the basis for a lot of illnesses, the more I want to get on this band wagon. I went too many years trusting. If interested, contact me and I can share some book titles with you.

***And please look up PMDD also. If you think that crazy cycle is you, it is NOT normal, it can be helped. Two sites for PMDD that have been very helpful. www.factsforhealth.org and www.meetmypmdd.blogspot.com.

Spring Break

We didn't go anywhere this break, but we did throw in a few special things. I took the kids to see The Lorax. We painted these in our art class. The girls did all of the sewing on these bunnies. Can you guess who made which one? They look super cute sitting out. Mommy has been wanting more Easter decorations and something with some size, and they fulfilled my desires. It will be so fun to get these out each year.

They had a great time at our church's Easter egg hunt. Saw the bunny, made cute hats for the craft, and I was in charge of the face painting.

Really big stuff alert: Tanner learned to ride his bike without training wheels. He will definitely need to practice, but he was even starting to push off by himself. He is so proud and excited. And so were Mommy and Daddy.Jeff actually worked a fair amount this week, but that doesn't mean he didn't steal time with his favorite new thing: game apps on his phone. He has now beat Angry Birds, Ceramic Destroyer, and Pumpkins vs. Monsters. He hides in our room usually so the kids won't beg for turns.We painted the doors to our patio with cherry blossoms and birds. So springy and fun. Tanner made a cardinal, Phoebe goldfinches, and Annika a robin.

But Tanner spent most of the time just cleaning brushes and everything else for us at the sink. He is shirtless because he was soaking wet. He loves to do this.

Faith

Good morning. It is spring--a time of renewal. A time of joy for me. The green and the sunshine I need, the warmth so that I can be outside, go for walks, and enjoy it. I feel a sense of calmness and peace at this time of year.
I read a blog post by Glennon this morning over at http://www.momastery.com/ that compelled me to write here. I have realized recently that I am good at sharing some stories, but not all. And I need to share some of my stories. I want my children to know. I want my friends and family to know. So soon there will be more of those posts. And today Glennon inspired me to share a post about my faith--watch out this is a long one.


I have a strong faith in Christ/God/Holy Spirit...always have always will. I need my faith. It gets me through. It helps me focus on what is important. It leads me to do the right thing and share love. It gives me hope. For me, it is not there as a group of answers, but as a leading course.
My faith is mine. It is a part of my past, present, and future. It is not a faith like everyone else, for I really am very little like everyone else. Never did fit in the box, never will, and I not accept and embrace that. And my faith does not fit in a box either.

I believe in ONE GOD ONLY, three in one, ominipresent. I use the names interchangeably. I like to think that the creator God is the same in all cultures, just with different names and background stories that work with those histories. But I do believe that Jesus was the part of God that makes the big difference--its the part where God puts it back on us to believe and accept.
I still like to think of God as non-gender--as too big to need that label. But I also understand, now, in my older self wisdom, that the majority of society prefers and more readily accepts a male. But the feminist part of me that questioned this, and every other piece of patriarchal society in college, still prefers the Native American beliefs of Spirit that is all encompassing.


I am thankful for the classes in college that taught me the history of the Bible, but also human's role in that history, for the classes that opened my eyes to other denominations and faith traditions. They made me question my religion--not my faith--and how I related to religion, and in the mean time, strengthened that core faith. I am thankful for all of our moves that introduced me to other faiths and denominations through friends, visiting churches, attending other denominations. They have helped shape me. They have helped me be more open to the idea that everyone has different needs and comforts within their own religion. It has led me to discover what I need from religion. I believe that God doesn't really care about religion--I think FAITH and a relationship are more important to Him. Religion is our comfort level for faith and relationships.

For you see, when you don't fit in the box others have a hard time seeing and understanding. So Christians and non have been very judgemental of my faith, of my religion. They question it, they judge it, and they try to change me. But as I just mentioned, I have finally come to an understanding that everyone has a comfort level. Some need hard and fast answers and rules in religion, faith, and life in general. Some need societal norms and rules. Some not as much...this is where I fit. And part of the reason I am there stems from my own artistic self,from my own studies, but also from the judgement.


My wise husband once told me, "You don't know my heart and my faith. No one can ever really know any other person's true relationship with God--only God and that self." Wise.


Because of the judging, because I am adamant that respect of other people's beliefs is absolutely necessary--from my own experiences, because of how Jeff taught me to apply it, I am not always good about sharing my faith. I sing in the band at my church, I am the director of the Sunday School program, I am the director of our vacation Bible school--and I write the complete curriculum. But some of you may not know those things. Notice how I feel comfortable sharing my faith--through musical worship (and yes I dance and raise my hands-- I dance everywhere. God made my feet and body to move--I never have been good at holding still. And with children. I love their openness. I love that they feel Spirit and that they see God. I love that they talk to Jesus. And religion doesn't matter. I share faith with them and love leading them in the teachings of God to create their own faith.


I am a Lutheran Christian--grew up that way, feel comfortable that way . **You should know, too, that I come from an awesome family of Lutherans. My parents and aunts did a great job in being faithful role models for me.** The church I attend now has five guiding principles rooted in Lutheran tradition that I find perfect (italics is from church, the rest is from me):
1. Jesus is Lord. I believe with my whole being that He created me, came to save me, and loves me. I believe He is the greatest teacher ever.
2. EVERYONE is welcome. Faith and salvation is intended for every single human on this Earth. God wants us all--no matter what your gender, sexual orientation, color, disability, intelligence, dress style, whatever. God made us all, perfectly, and we are HIS.
3. We have what the world needs. Jesus gave us the tools we need. Love one another. God is the only judge. If we listen to what God is telling us, how Spirit is filling us, and how Jesus is leading us, we will share the Good News in quiet or loud proclaiming ways. Some people do it silently, some need specific wording that make them comfortable. But the world needs LOVE, and GOD IS LOVE.
4. Everyone has something to offer. Each and every one of us has a gift and we can use that gift to praise and thank God. It doesn't matter what that gift is, it doesn't matter where we do it, because Jesus/God/Spirit KNOW. He is in us, He is leading that gift. He is waiting for every single one of us to realize that. And I wholeheartedly believe that He rejoices when we get it.
5. Love changes everything. How true. It changes us from our core out.


More reasons I am Lutheran:
I need the group confession and communion--ALL the time. I have decided that for me, it is like being reborn EVERY single week. Every week I love that as a church we proclaim that we are human, that we need Christ, and that we remember that Jesus saves, forgives, and loves us.

I find my comfort in the blessing, in the creed, in the liturgy. That being said, I no longer have the patience or the focus for the traditional liturgy every week. But I still enjoy it. I like the thought that in any Lutheran church around the world we are speaking some of the same things.

I love that Lutherans believe GRACE is ENOUGH. We just need to accept that grace. Now, we should honor, respect, and praise that grace--but in the end, it is all about God's Grace.


Now, some not so Lutheran things...there are always renegade thoughts/ideas. Otherwise there would only be one Christian way of doing things. :) (And for those of you who might worry, I don't talk about these beliefs often, and never with children. Just the basics for them friends, just the basics.)
I believe in Hell, and I think it is right here on Earth. Bad stuff happens, we struggle, we hurt. God gives us glimpses of what Heaven can be like. But we don't have the answers in this life. That is hard. I think Heaven will be all the best of love and what is here. And I believe there could be no greater punishment than being sent back to do it all again--potty training, being a teenager, the losses and struggles--and not being allowed to be with God in that beautiful place of love until we get it right and believe in Christ and follow those teachings.


I believe like the Native Americans that Holy Spirit is in us all, and in every piece of nature that God creates. Our world is too complex, science does not explain it all, I don't want those hard rules. I don't really care how long it took or how God did it. What matters is that He did. I love looking at the four or five different greens in bushes, trees, and flowers next to each other and knowing that God created that for us to notice. I love seeing the sky change, the different textures of the land. The artist in me recognizes His genius and is enamored with and in awe of His work.

I prefer to worship. I love the music, the fellowship. I need to help, and know that God is using me--I have found He makes that decision a lot for me. Some people don't. Some are so sick of all the religion that they can't get past that to the faith at a church. I understand. Finally. I'm okay with that. But I do hope that faith is growing and showing itself in other ways.

I like that other religions are so open and serious about real intuitive prayer. Just listening for Holy Spirit to whisper to you. Not just recitations.

I don't want to indoctrinate my children. I want to teach and share. But not force. I will never force. I will not judge their faith needs. I hope that that openness will give them the freedom to have the strongest faith ever. I think my parents did a good job with this. Look at moi.
So there it is. Out there. Thank you Glennon for pushing me to share, to witness in my own way (and knowing God lately He had a lot to do with this too.) Now you know, my faith is deep inside me and never going anywhere. I have made intentional decisions and thought a lot about this. It may grow and change, as all good things do since they are flexible. Now I have a record for my children when they want to know.

And now I can share this with those who come to my door and question me.

I believe in God/Jesus/Holy Spirit, my creator and savior.

Finally Four!

He would have gone crazy if his birthday had not finally arrived! He had been waiting forever! But, I do believe, it was everything he had hoped for and more. He got the two things he really wanted, a track excavator and not just one but two steamrollers, plus a lot of other things he was extremely excited about. He is fun to watch open presents, he rips the paper and gets super wild excited. A tractor cake and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.

A pinata--he chose a pirate filled with lots of starburst, skittles, and reese's cups. We danced to Elmo and I know it. We looked for little turtles. It was definitely his day, and the perfect way to celebrate our little boy.

Hack This

Connie, Jeff's mom came to visit and requested that we visit a restaurant she remembered from her days going to design school in Chicago fresh out of high school. It was still around, and we could tell why as soon as our food came. Huge delicious burgers and perfect onion straws. A fun atmosphere, especially wih our whole family plus Granny enjoying it, made it a great place to visit. We were so full afterward we went walking on Michigan Avenue and the kids introduced Granny to their two favorite stores, American Girl and Lego
The whole weekend was very nice and the kids loved having her here as usual and had a hard time letting her go home.

My Own Hero

Where was my little boy pretending to be a fireman? Where was my husband? Oh, but it did not matter my friends for I was able to solve my own issue! And actually it was probably safer without the first one especially.

I set the grill on fire. Really, nice big flames.

Or, after careful post fire up close inspection, it may not have been my fault.

I put the steaks on the grill which was preheated on high yes, but I turned it down. The meat took up the whole grill. I did marinate it in olive oil and spice rub. Did that do it? Luckily I decided to set the good table, because my mother-in-law Connie is HERE, so I could here the snap crackle and see the lovely orange flames come busting out. And Luckily, I was smart enough NOT to open the grill cover but cleverly turned off the gas, saved the meat from the grill (yes I did) and THEN used the fire extinguisher. They were expensive steaks.

Oh well. yet another good story to add to the blog I decided after a couple glasses of wine. :)

Sharing the Love

So much love being shared in the last couple of weeks. With our family, friends, each other. It makes for good times. Tanner and his best buddy, Belle. We needed a photo for pet day at preschool and he was more than willing to pose with her. He follows her constantly and is always petting her.

Phoebe showing her love for her all time favorite snack food. She can eat an entire bag herself.

They do love a good bag of FunDip. Mommy, not so much, especially when I find it everywhere. But I do have to admit that those green tongues are pretty funny.

Oh How I love thee Dollar store! Those giant balloons were only a buck the day of Valentine's. I went just for the tablecloth, cups, napkins, and hangy thingy but the kids lucked out. They were definitely shock and awe. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with them for the next two months. Lol.

We shared lots of love with Ohio friends and family the weekend before Valentine's, and my mom rode along so she could stay at my sister's. We hit the old digs on Cromwell on Saturday to spend time with very dear friends and had a completely lovely time.

And then we joined Mom on Sunday with my sister and the cousins. We went to the BEST free playland/giant hamsterland EVER. All I have to say is the kids didn't even come look for us for an hour and half and they were sweaty. That's good stuff.
Our kids loved having sleepovers at both houses and the kids had such a good time playing and the grownups had a wonderful time catching up. So much that I am planning to take the kids back in June. Tanner thinks Ohio looks very squatchy and he is intent on checking out some of the woods there this summer.

Hanging out in the kitchen. Why is that? People really do just hang out there, and I mean that for our house and everywhere we visit. We have to force ourselves to go sit on the couches. Why were living rooms ever even invented? Just a random thought.

Silly kids with pizza. Man did they giggle a lot that day.