More sharing: Depression, Thryroid and PMDD

This is actually a hard one to write. This is a hard thing to throw out there. To tell people that you have issues with mental illness, especially one that has a lot to do with being female. It is easier to just say that I have thyroid problems. As far as society has come, it still doesn't like to cope with it.

I can get people to talk for hours when I have mentioned my physical ailments, but they shrink away for the most part when I acknowledge the mental symptoms that for me are partners in crime. But here it is. My story. One that will be extremely important that I document and share with my daughters. Because it is hereditary. And another reason I should share with my family and friends.

So here is the scoop (TMI warning--I talk about menses): I was diagnosed hypo-thyroid I don't remember when, a long time ago--I was told that it was not a big deal, just take the pill everyday, no biggie--which is a big fat lie. I have known that I have struggled with depression since I was in junior high. I have sought treatment for both before. My cycles have always been rough, but I assumed they were normal (Not!) so no help there.

But in the fall of 2010 I was getting really bad. Crazy. In pain. Not good.

At that time I was struggling with severe pain in relationship to my cycles. I could feel the MOMENT an egg was released. I would be doubled over in pain, could barely walk from the pain that radiated to my back and down my legs. From the migraines that were sure to follow. I would be incredibly fatigued. And the depression, anger, guilt, shame, disappearing confidence and more would escalate. I could literally feel a complete fog lower over my eyes, clouding my sight, thinking, and reasoning. And you can guess how much patience I would have in that state.

And then two weeks later I would bleed and I would be okay. I would be me. Fog and pain gone. The change would be incredible. Until the next ovulation. It had always been this way (of course it was worse because we would find ovarian cysts--which I am now learning from my own research can be related to wrong thyroid levels) but pms had always been extreme for me and had always lasted a week or more. It was just becoming more and more pronounced. And again, I thought all of those jokes about pms made it normal.

In addition I had been struggling to control my hypothyroidism since Tanner was born. I have been searching for a doctor who would LISTEN. Who would actually check my levels. Who would CARE.

So I tried my fourth doctor in 3 years. I mentioned the pain, the fog, all of the other symptoms. and for once, thank him and thank God, he listened. He immediately wanted a full run of tests on my thyroid...which made me want to cry right there. And then he gave me the PMDD-premenstrual dysphoric disorder--diagnosis. I had no idea what it was. Never heard of it. But I listened, agreed to wait to add any medication (love that he wanted that), and agreed to track my symptoms. And we did an ultrasound that found the ovarian cysts. I think he knew all of the links, but just didn't share them with me right away, but as I read more about both diseases I have found just how linked the two are.

I went home and did a lot of research on the PMDD. I found a couple of wonderful websites. One had testimonials and a tracking sheet. When Jeff and I read what other women had written we cried. It was me. I cried because I saw myself in their pain. And he finally understood. Jeff had always recognized the storm better than I did, but he never got it. Now he did. I did the tracking, and it was insanely obvious how correct my doctor was. (See below for more info and websites on PMDD.)

So not only were thyroid hormones way off --which can cause depression, fog, fatigue, weight gain, headaches, coldness (have you ever touched me?),recurring infections, peeling nails and a whole host of other crazy things as well. The cysts were throwing off those hormones. Who knows what other systems were off. And the PMDD went through the roof.

It took us, Dr. Shah and I, until the summer of 2011, almost 9 months, before we would get me leveled to somewhat normalcy. During that time my two weeks on two weeks off were a total roller coaster. The first would be somewhat fine. Hard, but I could keep up with it. Then the next two, who knew. There was a good chance that I could be crying, hysterical, raging, suicidal, or at least convinced that I needed to be institutionalized to keep my family, my dear husband and sweet children safe. To protect the friends around me. I was not rational. I could not deal with the smallest of issues, I would turn mole hills into mountains. But now I am WAY better. Now that I know the relationship between PMDD, hypo-thyroidism, and me I am watching my physical and mental state much closer and taking care of it all.

Even now I go every 3 months to get my thyroid blood levels checked. Tanner is on a first name basis with those nurses. I check in with Dr. Shah regularly. I am on a birth control pill (Yaz) that stops ovulation and uses differnt hormones than most brands to specifically help PMDD and which keeps the cysts in check. I know that exercise helps. I know that sleep and quiet time help. I know that art time helps. And then I can enjoy my family and friends the rest of the time. I can handle all of the little and big things that come up.

Here's the thing about hypo-thyroidism and PMDD though. It is still there. It has ALWAYS been there, and is going to be. I can look back at periods in my life and pinpoint it. I always thought my depression was more in response to where we lived and things that happened, what I did, how I handled it. And in some ways it was. But if you were lucky enough to be around me when I was either on the right thyroid/birth control cocktail (first two years of college, Michigan first two years) or when I was prego with the girls or nursing--lucky you. You got the easy times. Now others: high school, last two years of college and then the next three, including our first year of marriage in Iowa, when we lived in Indianapolis, pregnancy with Tanner with no thyroid help and then 2009 on after I quit nursing--I apologize that you saw it firsthand. I look back at the crazy cycle I was on. My reactions, and others reactions to me make a lot more sense now. But at the same time, some people when I have told them they don't see it at all. The theater gene I got from my mom helped me hide some of it maybe. Helped hold it in, just to release it at home. Bless my dear husband that he always stood by me.

PMDD is not an excuse for me. I do understand that I am one of those unique individuals that does not blend in in a crowd with or without the craziness. It does not excuse bad behavior. But like I said earlier, that diagnosis helps me take care of myself, plan my time, and makes me more aware in a very good, healthy way. Knowing keeps me from letting the spiral get out of control. It helps us understand that in a few days it will all be good again. It helps explain why two weeks are good, two weeks are not. And that is huge.

I do have to admit, I like having good meds. :)

***I have been reading even more about thyroid issues lately. PLEASE make sure that your doctors include a check for this in your yearly exams. PLEASE take matters into your own hands and research, find the right doctor, and LISTEN to your body. The medical community is not always right. "Rules" and correct "levels" are NOT the same for everyone. The more I read how much the thyroid and other hormones can be the basis for a lot of illnesses, the more I want to get on this band wagon. I went too many years trusting. If interested, contact me and I can share some book titles with you.

***And please look up PMDD also. If you think that crazy cycle is you, it is NOT normal, it can be helped. Two sites for PMDD that have been very helpful. www.factsforhealth.org and www.meetmypmdd.blogspot.com.